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Posted on October 29 2010

It’s the most simple thing in the world and at the same time the most complex.

It makes you smile, it makes you cry, it makes you swear and wish you could die.

So why do we put our whole lives into finding it? Why do we make ourselves miserable, why do we want to feel miserable? How can something give us a reason to wake up in the morning and at the same time make us wish we didn’t wake up at all?

Love is beautiful, it’s truly amazing, it’s the most wonderful thing in the world. It makes you want to sing, and dance, and make a fool of yourself just to show your love. You want to spend every waking second with them and you want to find the words to tell them just how much you love them, but you can’t find them, so you try to find actions to show them how much you love them, but they’re not there – words and actions don’t do justice to how you feel, you wish you could just open up your heart and show them what’s inside, you wish you could let them inside your mind and show them how wonderful you truly think they are. But you can’t, it’s impossible to show them and so you lay there, hopeless, wishing you could show them how much they mean to you, and when that moment comes, when that feeling enters your mind, you’ve found it; that’s what it’s all about, you’ve found true love.

Why would millions and millions of stories have been written about two people realizing their love together if it’s not worth it in the end? Why would Romeo take his own life just because Juliet wasn’t there anymore? How can a feeling lead a person taking his or her life? Is love worth death? Find me someone who says it’s not worth it, and I’ll show you someone who has never been in love before.

I’ve been in love before, many times before, at first with simple things; my stuffed kangaroo, my toy dinosaurs, my legos. And then it started to evolve and I started to love the people around me; my parents, my sister, my grandparents. Then slowly I realized that I could love people and things not so close to me, people and things that I would have to work for to keep; a crush here and a crush there, a “girlfriend” here and a “girlfriend” there; I started to realize just how much love was in my heart, how amazing it felt to have someone there for you, someone who doesn’t have to  be there for you,but someone who wants to be there for you. And so I started to allow myself to put more and more of my heart into things, scared of being hurt, but knowing that it was worth it in the end. As life went on I found more and more things and people that I loved, I fell in love with running, I started to love people; friends and lovers, they all filled my heart and made me happy to be alive. They made me feel alive. I found people that meant more and more to me, people that when I lost I felt like I lost the biggest part of my life, but whenever I lost a love, I always had my other loves to bring me back up. I had my friends, my family, and my running shoes. I had my hills, I had my mud, and my rain. I had my hot summer days and my cold winter nights, all spent on top of that one hill. The hill that gives you .18 of a mile to run so hard that you can’t think anymore and when you finally come over her crest, you fall over, you press your body into the soft dirt and you can feel the earth holding you up. You can feel all the love that nature has for you supporting you and not letting you fall any deeper. The warm ground reminds you that everything is going to be okay, you realize that even if that person is no longer there you still have life to keep you going, you still have something to live for. Back then all it took to bring a smile back to my face was a smile from a great friend or a long hard run. But now…it’s different.

The people I love are there for me more than ever, it fills my heart when they call to see how I’m doing, and I want to say “I’m okay”, I want to tell them that everything is getting better, but I don’t want to lie to them, so those six words silently slip out of my mouth “I miss her, I love her”, and that’s all I can say, that’s all that comes to mind. So I try to run it off, I lace up the running shoes that have been there for me countless times and set out on the dusty trails that have always been there to pick me up when I was feeling down. I take a step. And then another. Soon I’m picking up speed and blasting up any hill I can find, I push and I push, “almost there” I tell myself; not to the top of the hill, but to the point where I’m so tired that I can’t think anymore. So I keep pushing and pushing, harder and harder, faster and faster, feeling my legs start to give out, I turn to my heart in hopes of it carrying me the rest of the way, but it’s faint, it’s barely there. It feels heavy and lost, it feels empty and alone. All that’s left in it is her, her bright smile, those big beautiful brown eyes, the way she would whisper to me and tell me everything is okay, the soft kisses she’d place on my lips, her sweet voice, the way she was so happy, all that’s left is my love for the most wonderful girl in the world.

I know I can be better for her, I know I can treat her better, I know I have to listen to her more, and I know I have to give her time and I have to give her space. It kills me, every day I wake up wondering “is today the day?” and I fall asleep hoping that it will be tomorrow. Every time my phone vibrates I fill with hope that that beautiful name with a at the end of it will show up when I take it out of my pocket. But it’s not there, I try to think of something else, I try to be upset, I try to be mad, but it’s just not there, there’s no feeling left inside my heart, just a tiny speck of hope, the hope that she’ll let me back in, that she’ll give me the chance to show her that I’ve changed, that I’m a better person now, that I can be better for her.

Even though this has broken my heart into a million tiny pieces it has made me realize a lot of things – I’ve realized how to treat her better, but not only her, everyone else. It has made me realize just how wonderful and powerful love is, just how basic and primal, yet complex it is. It has led me to realize that, straight or gay, black or white, tall or short, fat or skinny, everyone is entitled to love, everyone deserves to feel the most wonderful feeling in the world. Love not only brings us together, but it makes us better people, it makes us melt and it makes us feel miserable at times, but in the end, when everything is said and done, when the dust has settled, it makes us happy. And that’s what life is about.

Life isn’t about making the most money, living in the biggest house, being the fastest runner or the best looking person; life is about finding the one, the person that makes you feel alive, and giving them all of your heart. I know I can live without her, I can make it through the days, I can even find things to smile at and laugh at, but I know that without her, I will never ever feel alive the way she makes me feel. She makes my heart do loop-de-loops every single time she flashes a smile at me, she makes me feel horrible every time a tear rolls down her cheek knowing that I caused it. I’ve fallen asleep crying because of her and I’ve woken up with the biggest smile on my face because of her. Some say that our love is too much of a roller coaster ride, that there are too many ups and downs, but you know what? It doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter what anyone else says. Call her needy, call me whipped, I don’t care because I love her and I love every single thing about her, I love her flaws and her perfections, I love her, not for what she does or what she says, I love her for who she is.

I know I messed up, I know I hurt her, but I also know more than anything that I love her with every ounce of being inside of me. I love her more than anyone has ever loved anyone or anything in the world and I know that if I get just one more chance, that I will never ever let another day just pass us by. I know it’s not enough to say I was wrong, I know it’s not enough to say that I’ll be better – but if you give me the broken pieces of your heart and put them together with what remains of mine, I promise that my heart will beat for you and only you until the day my heart no longer beats. I pinky promise. Plus the thumb

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